


Exemption

by chiyokintou



Series: 50's au [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 40's, 50's, A piece of the humble pie, Alternate Universe - Historical, America, F/F, Historia, Opression, Revolution, The help- ish, race differences, set in the, snk, ymir - Freeform, yumikuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 02:08:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4648203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiyokintou/pseuds/chiyokintou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meet Ymir, the rebellious good for nothing who walks away from home so that she won't become an help. Enter Historia Reiss, privileged bastard child who marries a homosexual man to get away from it all. Read the most dangerous and amazing relationship two could have in the early 50's. </p><p>From the author of  'A piece of the humble pie'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The run.

It was 1948 when I last walked away from home, already seven years ago.  I remember my father hittin’ my mother and everyone screaming. This happened all the time, I got used to it and I didn’ t care. My younger siblings- two brothers, and three sisters- would always cling to each other and cry. I wouldn’t. I’d walk outside and I’d start playing soccer with the boys. My father had never liked that. He’d get mad about me being a girl and he’d say things like “ain’t no one’s gonna marry you” or “ain’t no one gonna hire you’. Eventually it meant the same and believe me, I knew.  I wasn’t gonna make ‘em any money. I was happy about it. I refused to bring my parents money just because I was girl, just because I could clean in a dress. 

Eventually, after one of those fights,  I just got up and left. My first stop was the mall. I remember walking really calm because I knew my parents wouldn’t come to find me; they were used to me leaving and I’d always come back. Kind of like a cat. An egoistic, black cat. At the mall I stood for a while, watching the people passing and looking out for the cops. Cops ain’t never liked me and it was never going to happen.  

Eventually I found her; an old lady with her daughter. Big old fancy hats on their heads and small bags in their hands. They both looked like they wanted to sag into the ground and die; because oh my, their husband ain’t never doing anything good and their friends all got prettier dresses than they do.  I couldn’t even feel guilty when I ran, grabbed their bag,  and then ran harder. I ran harder than I had ever ran before.Even though I was- and I am- faster than normal kids. I learned to run because I stole candy, because I kicked boys with a flying kick and then I’d get mad at them for looking under my ruined dress. I hated the dresses my parents gave me. One time I had just pulled out my clothes and took those of a friend of mine. He walked home in his underwear and I walked home in his clothes;   we both got a good beating and it was still magnificent.

But boys were growing up. People were calling them ‘sir’ and they told me I couldn’t play with ‘em because I was a girl. They went to school; I didn’t. Eventually kicking their asses wasn’t working anymore, they just would stop playing when I got around.  

I was fourteen at the time, and my mother had just told me I was going to have to work. I prended to look out for my sisters and I thought that was enough but I was the only one. I was going to be an Help, just like her.

When she told me that I kicked over some some stuff and screamed that I would never do it. I screamed and broke things until I felt a slap in my face. “You ain’t never gonna have the right to choose, you have two workin’ eyes, a mirror and you ain’t colorblind. Ain’t no one wants to be an Help, but god ain’t givin’ you no choice, he just givin’ you life”  I remember those words a lot. I remember it as the moment I stopped believing in God, because I didn’t like him and I didn’t understand why black people would honor someone that made them bad people. I remember it as the moment I decided I was never going to help white people, nor listen to black people because they were stupid for accepting it all. Most of all, this was the moment I decided I was going to leave and never come back.  Only two of those things stayed my whole life. You going to figure out which. 

Now I’m going to be completely honest with you; I had no idea where I was going. I just got on a bus and looked into the old woman’s bag for some money. She had a lot. Enough for the bus, that’s for sure. I gave the man money but I didn’t know how much. He gave me money back and I still didn’t know how much. When you’re walking away and you have to do a lot of things at the same time everything suddenly seems hard. You want to concentrate on so many things you fail to concentrate on every single one of ‘em.   “thank”  I remember mumbling because I forgot the ‘you’. This actually bothered me for quite some time. Thought it was real embarrassing.

When I was in the bus I almost sat down in the front, but coughed so obviously I looked up. I saw the plate sayin' "Colored" right above the seats back, and so I shuffled to the back sat down there. I had never traveled with a bus and I thought it was going to be easy. But even here I felt kind of scared because the people were now mad at me for sitting down on a chair for whites. Usually I would have made a fit, but I really wanted to leave. I kept quiet, and sat on my black seat for almost two days. I would just get into one, get out and then into another one again. Maybe I secretly hoped ending up in another county. I didn’t know that that was kind of impossible.

Eventually I stepped out. Dead tired because I hadn’t slept in the bus.My first time driving made me sick. The only thing I could do was fantasize about how people in this new place were going to love me. They would see me for what I was and they’ d let me wear pants every single day.

Bigger nonsense has never been thought. Not even by non fiction writers.  

The people ignored me. They’d glance at me and walk on. A lot of white people passes. I stared at them without saying a word, I had probably been frowning. They all started walking a little bit straighter. As if that was going to impress me even though their skin was so light they were almost see through.   

The cops passes me too. This was a nice change of pace, at home they’d pick me up by my arms and throw me into my own house again. Just to get yelled at by my  drunken daddy. Which I understood; I was a little shit and I knew it.

Not once felt like changing that though.  

 

“Oh dear”  These were the words that shook me awake after I had fallen asleep on the pavement. With a headache and incredible hunger I opened my eyes, coughing softly.     
There were about twenty black women standing around me. Each and every single one of them wearing a damn help dress and cheap hats. The sky was red, the sun gone.

“Someone ought to have dumped they kid on the bus”

One of them was waving heavily with a fan, even though it wasn’t that warm anymore “She be dirty, law!”

The first woman who had woken me up, the one who was thickest and had the sweetest smile, spoke up  “Now now, ain’t no need to get like that, she be real tired, ya’ll should hush”  Everyone did. I realized that she was probably the eldest.  “Where’d you come from child?”

I didn’t reply. I kept looking at her with a frown on my face. Listening to the women behind her complain.  “’s alright to not say anythin', buy you ought to eat somethin' still.”  That was the only thing I wanted really. My heart seemed to sink into my stomach and it made quite a loud noise.  “Chop chop, c’ mon let’s go eat some alright?”

I remember that as one of the most beautiful nights of my life. All the women were yelling and gossiping while swaying their thick hips. Going on and on about their work and husbands as if they were carrying the weight of the world. They probably were. But still the women were freeër than the ones back at home. Maybe I was just very hungry and accepting, but there’ s a big chance that that indeed was the case because the city was a lot bigger. I don’t know.  I do remember eating three plates of mashed potatoes with tomato and meat and only after that realizing that this meant the woman herself had nothing to eat anymore.

She told me it didn’t matter, and that I could go sleep in her son’s room. There were two beds and no children. Then, when she came into the room to check if I was asleep she told me that “her boys were workin’ hard and havin’ they own families”.  

This was the first time I admitted what I had always wanted to say. The first words I spoke to this complete stranger.  “I wish I could do boy things like that”  That was it. It was enough to explain why I wasn’t at home and why I was upset. And you know what else? She didn’t go spouting things like “we ain’t got no choice”  

She said “then fight for it, hm, you is too young to be moping around ain’ t doin’ nothin’ ‘bout it, black rights took a lot a big turns didn’t it? So take a big turn again”  

Those words replay in my mind every time I give up and feel strength drenching out of me. Mrs Green’s sweet city accent and bad grammar. Mrs Green’s insane strength and trust in me.

 

I stayed with this lady; Mrs Green. And she let me wear pants every day. When we were together for a week or so she helped me cut my hair shorter and then we went shopping for food together. We bought everything double. Miss Green worked a real rich family, the Reiss family. They had lots of children but she was always going on about Historia. “They ain’t got no right to take what a man did out on a lil’ girl”  she often said. This was because Historia was a from another mother. She said the other children didn’t care, but law, all the grown people were terrible. Historia was the sweetest most perfect lil’girl.  When I first saw the girl - this was when I was fifteen-  all the stories seemed to be so true, I hated her. She was white, she was rich and she was girly.  I told Mrs Green this and she replied with “You is black, you is poor and you is boyish..  ain’t no need to point out facts cuz’ they ain't say nothin’ about someone”  

And maybe she was right, but this doesn’t mean I wanted to believe it. Slowly I was getting more and more ashamed that I wasn’t working because Mrs Green was getting real old and I knew I was nothin’ without her. Realizing that I still wasn’t independant, and that the only way to become that was to work as a help or cook was really terrifying to me. I really wanted to help Mrs Green but she was working really hard and I never did something nice for her. Historia - the girl I learned to hate more with the second- did, Mrs Green brought home drawings, and poems in this damn light blue ink, or she’d have her hair looking really stupid because Historia thought it looked nice.   
That I didn’t really feel the need to know someone before hating them was once again proven to be a fact. My oh my, I was so foolish back then.  

I rarely saw Historia. Mrs Green said she used to come over all the time but she had gotten too old now. She called the girl ‘miss’ because she was white and this made me extremely angry. I knew for certain that I would never start calling a white woman that if I got older.

“Ymir, I ‘ave a book for you because Historia gave it”

“I don’t want to read” I had done Mrs Green’s garden and those of the neighboor's for free that day. That’s what I spend most of my usefull time doing. I also worked out a lot those days, because I wanted to become strong enough to protect myself. In the newspaper there were things about colored woman getting raped and killed on the daily. It barely made one of the front pages but Mrs Green always made me read the whole thing because she couldn’t read very well. Often she knew one of the girls and she prayed for their families. She’d sometimes pray that they wouldn’t walk into me and I’d say “ _They_ should pray they don’t walk into _me_ ” to which she’d laugh.  

Back to the book. Mrs Green looked at me with stern eyes and sighed “If would have the privilege to read I would educate myself all day long”

She’d do that rather often and she knew it always worked. So I read the book and did this with every single book Historia recommended to Mrs Green. Historia had a good taste in illegal books and illegally giving it to woman of color. Like that, something inside me started liking her.

Through the years I helped out in the Reiss household a few times. They loved Mrs Green for what she did for them but I saw that they were judging me- and so her- from a far. These were the moments I loved Mrs Green most. When she happily took me to places she knew people would hate me. When she let me cook and the kitchen caught fire and everyone was yelling at me while she was trying to make the fire smaller and told me to help the gardener from now on.  
Now he was a nice man called Rob. I wasn’t allowed to call him by his surname name and I liked the idea of that, because I never told anyone my surname either. He laughed a lot and told me what all plants were called even though I never remembered any of them.

I remembered that every time I messed up while working in the house by ruining food, costing fires, breaking stuff and so on, Historia would come out with a big smile on her face and she’d walk with me while looking at her feet.  “Did you like the last book?”

“I guess”  

“You look awkward”

I’d look down at the dress Mrs Green made me wear with the well known ‘it’s only for today’ excuse. “Yeah I’m wearing a dress”  This made Historia laugh as we walked on. She never got to the point and she thought that all the sinful things I did and thought were funny. I liked it when Historia laughed but I refused to accept this.   “You know you can tease me cuz’ I set your kitchen on fire? No need to beat around the bush, 's not like I can punch you or anything”

“No, I don’t mind.. It’s amusing”

“Knew it”

“I’m not a sadist.. It’s just boring around here and you are kind of amazing”  I ignored her comment and kept on working. I did this every time I was almost going to say something nice or thank her. You see, I might seem good at facing things because I’m good at facing others but actually I’m only good at ignoring and walking away. I didn’t like my life with my family so I walked away, I didn’t like to see these white people in my face so I avoided them, I didn’t like talking to people so I talked with my fist. That I have always had.

I got in minimum trouble for ruining food and putting the kitchen on fire because the fire had been stopped on time and easily. Mrs Green didn’t even get mad at me, she just made me promise I’d go help Rob more often. To be honest I was pretty sure Historia had asked her to let me off and later on this was confirmed to be true.

That night I thought about Historia. I did a step back and looked at all the differences between us. She was pretty, white, her lips were a light pink color and she smiled a small but genuine smile. Unlike me she seemed to not mind people of the other race as much but I guessed that was logical because she had never been brought down by them. I blamed all on that. Her bright smile. Her beauty. The fact that her hair indeed was an appropriate length and not a little bit too short for a ponytail, like mine. The only thing that could disturb her light face was a blush, no scars or freckles like mine. It pissed me off.

 

When we were 18 Historia got engaged and started living at her fiancée's house. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend and if she did she had never even mentioned him to me.  Mrs Green said that the Reiss family had pressured her about the case for a while and Historia had looked forward to moving on. I remembered Historia saying something about how Mrs Green was the best thing about her home and so we both thought that her and her boyfriend had put a hurry behind the whole thing. I could understand both of them. 

Our home became a mess around that time. Mrs Green was so excited that Historia was giving her pictures of the dresses she liked so that she was apart of the marriage. The Reiss family thought that the two were discussing what kind of dinner Historia wanted at her wedding but Historia really just wanted someone motherly to know what she wanted at her wedding. Her dreams and hopes for the future.

Every time I took the cigarette Historia offered both of us and then headed out so that I would feel left out. I’d just walk through the neighbourhood and took my time to glare at everyone. They didn’t like me because I wasn’t around there. They didn’t like me because I took no responsibility. I knew they often tried to talk Mrs Green out of taking care of me because I did nothing to earn my stay.

Regret. I guess I do regret that. A week after Historia announced she was getting married Mrs Green became sick. I called the Reiss family to tell them but saw no one the rest of the day. I sat beside Mrs Green’s bed and watched her breath heavily. That day I took care of her because I thought it would cure better if I did. Though when she woke up with the same heavy breath the next morning I didn’t take it with much salt. I should have “I ought to call a doctor”

“Ain’t no reason, I been having this pain for a long time, it just been getting worse”

Next day, when she barely woke up, I called her sons. Only one came and he didn’t look at me as he walked in. I still don’t know if they hated me or just didn’t accept me. Maybe they thought I was to blame for Mrs Green’s illness. Keeping sin in your house makes god angry. 

He was in her room for an half hour before leaving me alone with her again. He had called a doctor, he said, and then he closed the door so quietly it swallowed all the noise and life that had hung in the house.  I sat down in silence until the doctor arrived. This could have been half an hour, could have been half a day. The silence was painful but the words of the doctor hurt more. Because he said nothing but “She ain’t going to make it.”

The next day Historia was there. She was the first to show any emotion around Mrs Green.  She shivered and cried. Which was beautiful to me because even her sons had failed to care about her at all. I was glad that someone would show Mrs Green the emotion she deserved to see, because I was incapable of doing so. When I was sad I’d cut everything off like I always did.

The last evening I did nothing but write down what Mrs Green wanted to do. She left her sons everything, I think she knew they wouldn’t accept it if she left me anything. She told me that I could live with them until I had found a boy that I really liked.  “That ain’t never gonna happen” I had said, but she just chuckled and mumbled something sweet to make it better. To make me believe that it was fine to think that way and that it wasn’t forever. But it was. I knew it was forever and I knew why.

She was telling me everything she needed to tell me until her eyes closed. Sleep. She was still breathing her heavy and painful breath. I fell asleep listening to the sound of that breath and it was one of the most peaceful things I had ever done.

I woke up by two families coming in and making me leave the room while I was still half asleep. I realized that these two men were the Green sons and that it was their family and it pained me to see them showing up so late as if they were worth more than I was. That they indeed were more than I was.

I heard crying and people talking. I heard little kids scream about all they wanted or didn’t want. I saw a lot of people watching me as I walked out because I couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone asked ‘what’s going on?’, ‘how is she doing?’ or ‘Is she going to make it?’  but no one called me by my name. They all loved her and I saw that they linked me and the blame. As if I had brought Satan into the house that had always been filled with God. Maybe that was the case, maybe Satan was always on my back and God on her’s. Who knows.  I tend to chase angels away with my darkness.

It was night time when Mrs Green passed away and I had not gone back into the full room since they asked me to leave. I was sitting on the doorsteps lusting for a cigarette I couldn’t afford.  “She’s gone”

“I know” I mumbled with my eyes closed and my head in both my hands.

“That all?”

¨What else? You expect me to bring her back?”

He fell into silence and glared at me. I knew that my life was laying in these people’s hands but I wasn’t planning on letting that change anything. So I sat there in silence as they left. I sat in from of the house when they came to get the body and I didn’t spare it a second glance because the life inside of her had been what saved me, not her body. I slept on the couch that evening and the one after.

The funeral was a week before Historia would get married and three days after she passed away. The room was full of people, completely full. There were two front rows. The left row was where the Green families were sitting and the right where the Reiss family was sitting. I walked up to the Green family and looked for an empty spot. I knew that was my spot. It was the spot where Mrs Green wanted me.  “Ymir.” I nodded “You can sit in a row further behind, I think there are still open spaces”

I looked Mrs Green’s son straight in the eyes and tried to see if he was kidding. If he was lying.  Then I imagined what would happen if I dragged him and his crying children away by their hair and realized that that would make it all worse. So I looked to the right where the Reiss family was sitting and saw that they ignored me. Except from Historia. Historia was staring at me, wide eyed, and bit her lip with tears in her eyes. Her gaze held mine so heavily and I failed to look away. We were both so done for it.

I looked at the man beside her. Built and blonde. Her fiancée, I realized. He looked bored and sat with his legs wide open. I swallowed and looked back at Historia’s apologetic face.  
Then she did what made everyone stare at her. She stood up and motioned for her fiance to follow, but he didn’t.  

“Historia sit down” her stepmother fell in with her plummy voice.

“But-” She looked at me. No further words.

She was making a place for me to sit. I realized. She thought I deserved it more than she did while I knew that we both deserved it more than anyone else.  “Historia you sit down right now,  Ymir will sit down in the back”

Historia pushed her eyes closed tightly and I took steps back. She stopped me. “Ymir. You.. You can switch with Reiner”  Reiner. Reiner?  I looked at the wide eyes of the man beside her. Reiner.  

“She can not. Stop this nonsense right now”  

I didn’t thank her. I didn’t mention that it wasn’t. I just turned around and walked to the back. Not to sit in the back, just to walk out of that door again and sit on that pavement. Sulking in my own dark world. Thinking about what I had done to deserve such. The answers came faster than I’d like to admit.  

I hadn’t been thankful. I had walked away from home. I didn’t act like my race or sex. I was attracted to woman more than I’d like to admit. If what they believed was true then God would hate my gut.

“Hey”  a soft voice whispered beside me.  “You want a cigarette?”

I nodded and took a cigarette out of her hands, not looking at her. Our hands brushed though, and that spoke a thousand words.  

 “She loved you a lot.. You deserve to speech or whatever”

“Not good with words”  the way my voice could barely speak those words were the proof. 

“I noticed, but hey I can speak for two so that’s fine” I smiled a sarcastic smile at that “actually I have to speech in a bit”

“You’ll probably get locked up for talking to me first”  

“Glad to see you’ve got your bite back” I sucked smoke in and snorted. Which made her smile a soft smile with watery eyes.  “I wish you could sit beside me in there. I like being beside you, Ymir”

“You should go sit with your fiancée before anyone starts hating you”

“I should..”  She didn’t make much progress in leaving and I honestly started getting pretty worried that she would miss her speech. Also, her shoulder seemed like a very very attractive spot to cry on now that the urge to do so and Historia herself were both so close.  “If you ever need something, I’ll write down my new address”  She did. I didn’t recognize the place so it was probably out of town.  “Tell them I asked you to work for me. I know you stay with the Green family but if that doesn’t work out you can come to me”

* * *

 

“We don’t have place for you to stay”

“Then do I get my part? I wrote the papers, I know what she said because you weren’t there to hear it”

“Your part is that she saved you and you and worked so hard to keep you alive that she died” His words were harsh and angry. They hit me like a truck.

“That wasn’t my fault” it didn’t sound very convincing. Probably because I wasn’t very convinced of it. “It wasn’t my fucking fault”

He straightened his back “Leave”

“You are going against her will! I’m not.” I hissed but I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want the money. I couldn’t go into the house because it was ready to be sold and so I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t sleep that night. I just walked through the big city with tired eyes. Then when the sun had come up I took a nap in the grass in the black neighborhood. People would think I was enjoying the sun instead of thinking I didn’t have a place. Then again they knew I had lived with Mrs Green. Every single one in the neighborhood knew.

I went to see everyone and asked if they had some work for me. Some knew white families who needed an help but no one knew other jobs for women. Unsurprisingly.

The next night I went deeper into the city. I one of the Green son’s old sweaters on and a typical boy jeans. I looked around for someone who looked stupid enough to steal some money from. Carefully I watched everyone but every time I found someone I saw Mrs Green’s eyes in front of me I just couldn’t do it. I had gotten weak I realized.  “Hey you!” A man yelled at me. “What’s a negro man doing here? You are just standing and staring, you better scram!” I smiled, the way they called me was a compliment to me.

I didn’t reply and I didn’t move. Replying would make them realize I was a woman and that would be like digging my own grave. So I kept the hat on and my eyes on the ground.

“I’m fucking talking to you”  I was slammed against the wall by my shirt. My hood fell off as my back hit the wall roughly. Then they saw my facial features. My eyes. The ones of a woman. “what the-”  

And I punched him. Fully aware of the fact it would get me in jail but at least there I had a place to sleep. Also aware that there were more than one man but I couldn’t care about this. I was stronger than most men, because they didn’t know why they were fighting. I did. I was fighting for myself.

I got punched and kicked until everything was bleeding but I didn’t feel a thing. My body seemed empty and my pain and emotions no longer existed. Maybe they never really had. Maybe they were just having a break.  I counted. There were four men. I could take four men. I  could take them and then take their damn money.

“Police! stay where you are” No one listened, so I didn’t either. Then within seconds my arms were behind my back and my cheek was pushed against the floor, the stones getting into my open wound. I looked up to see that the other man were just standing still and the officers were calmly taking them away.  I glared and snorted. “Wait, this is a woman”

He put my hands in handcuffs and then made me look at him. “What were you doing here?”

“Taking a walk”

He snorted in disbelief and walked me to the car where I got to sit with my arms behind my back. This might not seem very uncomfortable but it really was. The men were explaining what they were going to do to me but I had zoned out already. My good life had been replaced by the one that had been put away for me from the start and the only thing I managed to think about it was ‘it was good while it lasted.’

“Do you have anything to say”  Maybe that the room was boring and cold. Maybe that I had no one or money to protect me from anything. Maybe that I would like to go to sleep on one of the prison beds now. Maybe that I knew the Reiss family.

I knew the Reiss family.  “Could I call my boss, she had a problem with the guys I was in trouble with.”

“Oh really now” he mumbled uninterested. “who might that be?”

“Reiss. Historia Reiss”  I mumbled and I swear I saw his eyes widen a little bit. “ Ain’t got no hands to give the number or address but I got it in my bag”  

He took the bag they had searched through before again and searched through it again, and indeed, Historia’s address was still in there.  He dailed the phone number while I sat down on a chair with my legs wide.  “This is the police station, center” I bit my lip, hoping Historia would say the right things. No. Hoping Historia wanted to help me after all I did.   “Yes, she said that too but I highly doubted-  No of course I don’t mean that to insult your people” I smiled and listened to Historia raise her voice over the phone.  “Did you have any trouble with these men before- Yes I understand that you don’t know which men we are talking about but we let them go”

I swear I heard Historia say “Separate but equal my ass” and the officers face was hilarious.  

“Yes! Yes you can come get your help!” I grinned down at my feet and held back a snorting laugh. Historia was amazing. Historia held the helpful fairness thought I lost when Mrs Green had died.

When Historia’s car pulled up in front of the police station she signed one or two papers and then took the officer's hand as they apologized. I was still holding back a laugh and Historia noticed this.  So the first thing that came to her mind was to take it further and say “It better not happen again.” I cockily pulled up my eyebrows and nodded.

She was silent when we got in the car. She was listening to a radio station with mainly black artists doing their thing which was a nice killer for the silence. Eventually she just asked “You want to explain?”

“Ain’t hard to figure out”

She nodded and then drove on in her expensive fucking car. I sighed and put my feet on the dashboard. She didn’t seem fazed by this and so I closed my eyes too.  “I’m bringing you to my house and you are staying there”

I laughed “You don’t want me there”

“I’ll decide that myself, thank you” I didn’t fight any further. I indeed would let her decide on her own.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited!   
> Thank you http://acowworthfightingfor.tumblr.com/
> 
> <3

  
  


Exemption 

 

Historia lived over an hour into the countryside. The ride was silent at first but she started  singing some stupid pop song I recognized as something from Peggy Lee soon after. She sang softly and kindly. Sometimes she would ask me a question without a real meaning and I would give an answer with no real meaning. Somewhere we started talking about her marriage. I don’t exactly remember how I started it but I know that it was me who started it.  “Big day is in three days,” she had said. 

I put my, now bare, feet on my chair and nodded. “You excited?” 

She held up her shoulders. She wasn’t. I had noticed this before. She didn’t seem all too excited about the whole thing. She rarely talked about her fiancé and she didn’t smile more than she used to. I was never an expert on romance, nor on marriage, but I knew that it was supposed to make you all happy and excited. “Reiner’s a good man.” 

That was it. That was all she ever said about it and I found it hard to believe her. The blond, broad guy who didn’t give anything for Mrs. Green.

When we came to their house and walked in quietly I sure was afraid. Who knew how the white man would react to all the nonsense his wife did. Who knew what kind of beating he’d try to give me and who knew what kind of an argument I would start by trying to resist? I could almost feel a manly fist on my face again - which wasn’t all that weird because the last fists I had felt had connected with my jaw a little over two hours ago- when I stared at Historia’s husband and he grinned at me. “Ain’t that quite the stunts you’re always pulling!” he screamed. “They call it trash. I call it hilarious! Shoulda seen me laughing while Historia was makin’ the darn phone call!” 

The only thing I could think about was how he did not fit Historia. Then again. He was nice. I had no problems with his way of speaking or his cocky attitude. But he did not, and I’ll say this every single time without any regrets, fit Historia in any way. The rough voice was not just compromising, it was blowing every single ‘one tall and one cute’ and ‘one rough and one sweet´ thing out of proportion in the worst way ever. I hated seeing them together, and I didn’t even love Historia the way I do now. 

The passion Historia often let show was always gone when he was around, but he wasn’t around a lot. This seemed crazy to me but he left incredibly often, even in the week before their marriage. He left in the morning and didn’t come back until late. When I asked Histora ‘what kind of goddamn work your husband do because he ain't never home?’ she said that he worked for the military, and that he didn’t leave for work. I couldn’t place it back then, and I didn’t look in her eyes deep enough to realize that she was trying to place it in the most terrible, and most true boxes. 

Historia spent that week before her marriage calling her stepmother a lot. Her stepmother had standards so big that Historia’s opinions didn’t fit in between. She listened silently and agreed to everything, but as soon as they were finished talking she would walk over to me and sit down on the table I was writing and smoking on. “What are you writing down?”

“Complaints, mainly” or prose, whatever people would like to call it. It was stupid and small. It was the beginning of this. The stories about Miss Green. 

Historia didn’t seem bothered by my answer and giggled, “About me?” 

“That too.”She took a cup of tea, made me a cup of coffee, and sat next to me on the kitchen table. “You get some positives.. sometimes.”  

This made her hand me a cigarette and smile. “Really now?”

“Stuff like: This woman ain’t never paying attention to the way I’ma get killed by her family because she got negroe sickness through me. She does give me them cigarettes.”  Historia just laughed carelessly and sipped her tea. She always did that. She giggled away every single threat I made and I’d crack a smile, then we’d go on the same way as before. I had thought it was proper bad back then, her sitting down on the kitchen table, luckily I couldn’t look in the future. 

I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I’d like to give you a grande explanation of how it all was, but I don’t know. I know she wasn’t very nervous, and that he wasn’t around more than usual. They both didn’t smile, they didn’t sneak away to their bedroom, and they didn’t tell me to leave. Eventually they just left and didn’t come back until a day after that. That time I sat in the house alone, waiting for them to come back and getting worried about how silent the house was without Historia around. It was what I thought I wanted, a big house all to myself, but it wasn’t. I wished for Historia to come back quickly. That say I was restless. I burned myself some food, I got myself some more coffee (this might have been one of the reasons I was restless), and then I looked through all of Historia’s books. She was intelligent. She had illegal books and classics too, though they were all hidden away in her bookcase upstairs for her parents wouldn’t go there. That place Reiner wouldn’t bother searching (if he ever bothered showing interest in her books). But I knew where she put her books and I glanced through every single one of them, merely because I wanted to know what all of them were about. A little because it was illegal for a woman of my race to look into white books too. Maybe, secretly, because I wanted to know Historia better than any other person. The later I never admitted to myself. Specially not back then.

Historia and Reiner came home together. I didn’t move from my place, as that would most likely cost me my head. The love making would happen, I knew that much - despite of the fact I had never been there myself.  It was something I couldn’t disturb. So I waited for giggles, moans or slamming doors. None came. I waited for the bedroom door to open and close. It didn’t come. All that was to be heard was a knock on the library door. “Ymir?”  And I rushed. I god darn very well dare to say that I rushed to that door and opened it, almost falling through the pane in the progress. Historia giggled at it. She was still wearing her long dress. I don’t think I had ever seen such a beautiful creature in my entire life. I wouldn’t admit it. They’d have to throw me to hell and back to make me admit it, but now I know darn well that I had never seen anything beautiful like Historia in her wedding dress. Sad face, soft smile, honeyed voice, a body that seemed to await my hold.  “ ‘ey Snow White, thought you were white before, but the dress really makes it seem like you ain’t were before.”  

“Miss Reiss, picked it out for me.” 

“Looks pretty darn terrible,” Historia nodded. “You pull it off though- anyway where your man at? Ain’t you supposed to be makin’ babies or somethin’?”

Historia bit her lip. She was biting away tears. She was like a dead bride. So gorgeous. So sad. She just wanted to know if this was all. Was this all for her? That question was written all over her slim body. “He left, said it was something real’ important. I bet it wa-”

“Hey,” Maybe this is already the point I broke. In my mind it had been later, but this seems like the point I broke a little too. “How about we go listen to some good Soul, and we goin’ to make a great evenin’.”  She nodded. “Women like me are specialized in makin’ a white man regret his choices, hm.”

Historia laughed, tears still in her eyes, “I somehow find it rather hard to believe that’s a joke.”

“It ain’t.”  For a while we just looked at each other. I looked Historia up and down. My eyes fell on her hand, the beautiful ring on her ring finger. Historia noticed this and reached out to show the ring, but it was half hearted, and I looked away because of it.  “Let’s go downstairs.” 

Now who knew that class had nothing to do with how lovely it felt to make someone smile. Who knew that color had little to do with making someone smile. Not I. It was saved for later. For now I sat and felt guilty about breaking the promises I had made as a child. About listening to black soul with the whitest lady and drinking expensive liquor as if it was nothing. I wasn’t used to drinking that much back then, never had the chance. Now we learned. With a full bottle of wine and then some vodka for me, and then some coffee and some more wine and uncountable cigarettes. Laughs and all that was inappropriate (but not as inappropriate as we would get one day) was shared that evening. Historia stopped crying but started talking about her problems. “It’s easy. We both need our pride and he’s a really good friend. It’s fine. It’s fine.” She took a swing of her wine and nodded her head. “Will you marry, Ymir?”

“No,” I mumbled. “Men ain’t got nothing I need.” 

She smiled and held my hand in a way that seemed to be unconscious. “And what you want?”

“Neither. I ain’t getting what I want, S-Sugar, like you will.”   
Historia laughed sadly and took my shivering wine filled hand softly and started swinging against me. The other hand in my neck. I remember thinking something along the lines ‘I got an excuse, I ought to just deny it t’ morrow’ and I did. I forgot the next day that I, as the woman I am, let my hand slide to her hip and sang loudly. She told me I could sing wonderfully; she’s a liar. She told me “This is my really the dance o’ the most beautiful day of my life” and I couldn’t even tell if she was lying. That’s how happy she sounded. The words echoed through my head - probably because of the whiskey - and I couldn’t do anything but smile. 

  
I started looking for jobs exactly the day after. I know I have claimed I forgot the dance and the beautiful smile that girl had, but the fact I wanted to get away to take care of myself said enough. It was hard finding them because the newspaper held little for black women like me. It was all tips about household, jealousy towards Marilyn, some jobs for ‘white only’. Those jobs seemed attractive. ‘Separate but equal’ is the biggest lie that has ever been told. 

“What are you doing?” Historia asked once, while looking over my shoulder. She wore white high waisted shorts and a light blue blouse tucked in. White sandals. Pearls. Even worse: a beautiful white silver ring on the finger she had wrapped around a cup of coffee. 

I breathed in my smoke and tore my eyes away from her body. “Lookin’ for a job.”

“Ya’ could work here for me?”

She put the coffee down on the table and begged for my eyes to meet hers. They didn’t. “Nah, I ought to earn some money for myself. Wanna’ get a house and all.” 

“It ain’t easy without a man. You gonna end up in an all female flat near some factory.΅ 

I looked up, my face bright “Ya’ think they lookin’ for women in the factory?” 

“While ago, but with the war over and the man back I highly doubt it.”

She ignored how I started mumbling grumpy words about how weak men could be. “All trash. I ain’t never seen a man with pain. Every single one of them just get’ what they want. I gotta’ be a goddamn god if I wanna get a job that isn’t cookin’,” and so on. Historia liked it when I started cursing at everything this world held. She would hold her hand in front of her mouth and  stare at me without even a single hint of shame. Things like these made me wonder if she really wasn’t afraid of what people would think. It was rare, for a woman like her to treat black women as equals. I knew some white women who did this, but these black people were nice ones. People like Mrs. Green, who had never done a single thing wrong in her entire life. Just working and loving and working some more. When they don’t pay you, you say ‘Ain’t no problem, sir’ even if you can’t eat. When they make you a different bathroom in the garden, you tell em ‘thank you, sir’ even though your ass will freeze to goddamn death. Amazing black people will be treated like they’re equal. Amazing white people will get treated like they’re God. 

Historia treated me equal, even when I acted like absolute trash. Had me wondering how she’d treat me if I tried to be amazing. Maybe I’d be even more than God then. 

 

I couldn’t be amazing. I couldn’t find a job. I went out and looked. Reiner was gone on a peace mission. Historia drove me to the city like it was nothing she was doing for me. I’d start quite hopeful and kind. The pants I was wearing werereally the worst thing I had around; my attitude was almost gone (at least this is what I thought, later I found out that my amazingly well mannered version of myself is still rude to- and compared to all). Specially Historia, but she didn’t mention it. She dropped me off and picked me from the street when people didn’t take me. This went on for about two or three weeks, but as you might notice, it was boring enough to not tell you about. There were a few words spoken, a judgemental look given and then I was out on the road again, waiting for Historia to pick me up. Most of the time she would leave for half an hour. She’d spend that time in some coffee shop she belonged in as much as I belonged in an environment like hers. She got stared at in awful ways and I’d get stared at in awful ways, it was no fun going out to get a job. 

“Ya ain’t got no reason to help me.”

“If we go through all the jobs twice as fast you might realize you want to stay twice as fast.”  She bit her lip. Her hair was tied up beautifully and the curl of her small pony was pinned to her head so that it would curl beautifully in a bit. Her dress was cream colored and she was wearing the thinnest scarf I had ever seen in my entire life. It was silk. She was too. “I ain’t good at stayin’.“

“Why?”

“Ask your God, I might give ya my last penny to find out.”

“You got no penny anymore.” I looked at her and suppressed a smile. I should have gotten mad but that was something I just couldn’t do with those two bright blue eyes focussed on me as if her life depended on me. “I need no help, just someone to talk ‘bout books with me.”   
It was an attractive offer really, but it was scary to me. I didn’t want to be around women like her because they are beautiful. They make you forget what you were angry about for a second, and if anything, I didn’t like forgetting what I was angry about.    
Women had always been dangerous to me. Thinking someone was attractive had always felt disgusting to me, like I was cheating myself, so I surrounded myself with boys. Boys grow up though, and women and boys get separated because of the chance of them falling in love. So there I was, not able to run away from falling in love because people were trying to stop me from falling in love. It was stupid. Extremely stupid. I never understood how one could find a man beautiful. I knew I was supposed to marry a boy, but I had never liked the thought of that. I knew I was supposed to be friends with girls and somehow I stopped liking the thought of that.    
My mum would have tried giving me herbs to cure this nonsense. 

My dad would have tried beating it out of me. 

Mrs. Green would have understood. 

She understood. She probably even knew.

Now that’s a scary thing to me: someone knew. If someone realised this then it was something that could be noticed. If it was something people noticed it was something people would take my head for. If people knew I was living with Historia while being this aggressive, woman- loving negro (which I was and will be), things could get extremely bad for me.    
But then again, weren’t they already? I was a kid on the road; I was a kid stealing money; a girl stealing some boy’s pants; a teen going against her abusive dad. Why was I not prepared for the worst to happen now? Was I ashamed of who I was? Even worse: had I gotten weak?

It was probably the last one. I had gotten weak for all these women taking care of me in all too sweet ways. If I’d die that day it would have broken Historia, even if we were keeping a big distance.  

So I sighed. Weak. Weak. So God damn weak. “You gonna pay me and.. I ain’t gonna give yo’ man no excuses. I’ma be outa here if he starts questioning.”

“Ah, I’m so glad. Anyway you want more coffee?” I shook my head. “We should maybe get something to cheer your room up a bit?”  Historia’s eyes always looked a little bit sad.    
She was lonely. It was obvious. A lady, lonely and trying too hard.    
I was lonely too. I just hid it very well. I tried too, to stay lonely. 

 

I started working around and in the house. A little bit to get away from Historia. A little bit because I wanted to feel independent. I started cleaning the windows. Fixing wood she could simply buy as well. I started on her garden, pulled out trees and put ones she really did like in their spot. No room looked the same after.    
Historia gave me drinks and smokes while mumbling things along the lines of “it’s better this way, it kind of feels like home now.”  That was true. It was true and when she said that I realized that indeed; I was making the place my home. It came as a shock, but I could handle the shock since I had a place to call home. Sappy, I know, but very true. 

We spend no time in our own rooms. She had a room for two (it was way too big for two) and I had a proper big room for myself, but we would rather die than stay there. The living room was still kind of cold, not literally because it was July and extremely warm. No, we spend all our time in the library she had. Lovely books and two love seats. She would always have a tea pot on some fire and she would sit there for hours in silence. For a while I let her be by herself. Even though the library was my favorite place in the house, I’d sit in the kitchen to write. 

Until one day. It was a colder evening than the last few. The sun was setting and we hadn’t yet eaten. I was sitting on the veranda waiting for Historia but the heavier my stomach’s complains got, the more I wanted to cook for myself. And so I did. I never did this. I made some minestrone soup. It was a little bit too thick. There was too much meat in there. It tasted alright. This made me kind of proud, I must admit.    
The kitchen was a darn mess and I let it be that way. While the soup was still incredibly hot I took two bowls of soup and walked up stairs to the library. I opened the door with my feet and walked in awkwardly. Historia just stared. “I made some soup,” I mumbled. 

She thanked me. It sounded genuine and surprised. “What’s the time?”

“‘bout half past eight. I was getting moody and hungry.”

She quickly put down her book, “Oh I hadn’t even noticed, sit down, sit down.” 

“I’ma eat in the kitchen.” I gave her her soup “It ain’t all great but it’s got that nice fancy salami in there.”

“Thank you, Ymir,” she put her book down. “Would ya’ mind staying?”

“Ain’t no need.” 

“Please.” 

And I did. I sat down without saying a word. Historia smiled. That smile was one I have kept, and one I will forever keep. It was so calm, collected and kind of sad. She was happy, her eyes caressed my cheek. “I’m glad you came. Been awhile since I sat like this with someone.” I knew. She didn’t do much with Reiner either. She didn’t have any friends she hung around. They liked her, they invited her to play bridge, small events and to drink tea. I guess she pretended to spend her time with Reiner. They let her off.  

They wouldn’t forever. I didn’t understand why but to her, no, to her family, having a group of women to do absolute bull with was essential.   
Let them laugh, order your help around, play some damn card games but never try to win.    
I ate in silence for a while. She did too, after her honest words. Her eyes got to me, and soon to mine. “Ehm,” I coughed softly and thought about what I was planning on saying anyway.  “What'cha readin’?” 

Her eyes lit up brightly. “Light in August by William Faulkner.” 

“Any good?” I shoved some soup into my mouth right after, as fast as I could. 

It made her giggle. “Sure thing,” and she started talking about it. For quite a while. I think her soup became cold because I had finished mine before she was even finished talking. She did eat her soup. Then she said she wanted seconds. “You can borrow the book sometime. But no! I’m going to give you my absolute favorite book in a world.” 

“Haven’t I read that already?”

“No.. No, Mrs Green always told me to get you easy books you know. Because you didn’t go to highschool or something like that.” I nodded. I highly doubted I could read anything harder than that too. “But now I can explain what you don’t understand. You can learn stuff like that right?” 

“Ya realize that’s illegal right?” 

“Of course.” I looked at her. Raised my eyebrow. She just smiled like she didn’t have a care in the world. I silently wondered what died and took her proud white mind. “But I didn’t take you as someone who cared about that.” 

I didn’t. I really didn’t.    
  


  
  



	3. Chapter 3

When Reiner did get home the mood in the house was always different. He was really a nice guy, and he tried to keep out of my way, but I realised that I was doing the same with him. Historia talked to me a little less when he was in. The first time he came home for longer than one day he didn’t talk to me for two days or something like that. Historia and him went to bed a lot earlier than Historia would if she had been on her own. I had grown to care about Historia enough to let that fact bother me. I was ashamed of it. Of course I was. Historia had given me a lot, and my useless and uncivilized emotions were too much. I couldn’t bother her with those too.

 Historia sat in the living room a lot, those days. Reiner sat on the other couch and read the newspaper. Other days he trained outside, went for a walk, sometimes he called with other people on the phone. When he did he sent me out of the kitchen, because the phone was too close to the kitchen. I, nor Historia, were aloud to be near when he called.

When he was left alone in the kitchen I would make sure he couldn’t read any of the things I had written. I put them away or took them with me.

 One time when I was send out of the kitchen, I took a few of Historia’s cigarettes and started walking to the door. “Ymir?”  Historia called after me, panicked. “Did Reiner say something to you? Where are you going?”

“Reiner said nothing.” I mumbled, and pushed one of the cigarettes into my mouth. “I’m going for a damn walk. Calm ya pretty face.”

“Can I come?”

I started at her. She was smiling kindly. I wanted to stay away for her for a bit. I didn’t want her to notice how much better I liked being alone with her. “Do whatever.”

Historia quickly took her bag and then she started walking towards the door with me. She didn’t call for Reiner so he knew where we were going. She just sped up so she was walking beside me, looked straight forward, and had be wondering if she had missed being alone with me like I had missed being alone with her. It had been a few damn days. It was really nothing much. It had felt like too long already. I was ashamed, I freaking was, believe me.

“I’m sorry, you probably wanted some time on your own.” Historia said a soon as we had left the house behind us.

I lit the cigarette I had been holding in between my lips this entire time. I stared at her for a little bit. I saw that she noticed, I couldn’t stop myself.  “Nah, just had to get away.”

“Me too.”  She seemed to feel awkward in my silence. She saw that I had a lot to say, and a lot to feel. I went on walks more often, but never this sudden. “There’s a different mood now that Reiner is here.”

“Must be nice having your husband around though.” I don’t know why I said that. I honestly have no goddamn idea why I felt the need to say something I didn’t mean, that I didn’t believe in, and that would hurt both of us.

“Ymir. What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing, ya just don’t see him often so him bein’ here must feel nice, and safe.”

Historia stood still. “I always feel nice and safe.”  I looked into her eyes. Stopped in my tracks too. “I honestly don’t really know how to handle him being around this much. Of course, he is a nice man and I have no problem with what he does. I  just- I don’t really feel like I can be myself.”

“I noticed.”

“Then why ask?”

“No idea.”

“Are you okay, Ymir?”  

I threw my finished cigarette on the ground and pushed it out with my shoe. “Fine”  I couldn’t say that I felt like I had no business being at her house. That the more affection for Reiner she got, the more I wanted to get the hell out of that house.  

Historia took my hand to stop me. A shiver went through my body. I pulled back as fast as I could. “Ymir?”

“The deal still stands. If he doesn’t want me, I’m gone. If he finds me suspicious, and honestly I am, you won’t see me one more time.”

“And I have no say in this?”  

“No.”

We walked on. Historia walked beside me quietly. I put the next cigarette into my mouth, not knowing what I would do with my body. I really, really wanted to hold Historia’s hand. I wanted to tell her that I was jealous, or scared.

“He’s going to kill me one day.”

“What are you talking about, crazy? He wouldn’t.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be me, Historia.”

She took my hand again. “Do you think I’m weak?”

“Not really.”

“Do you think I listen to what everybody says? Do you think I can’t say no?”

“I don’t know, Historia.”

“Yes. Yes. I had to marry and I had to start living in a big house. I couldn’t marry into a black family, or whatever else?” what else, historia? “But I wouldn’t just marry some racist man. I don’t know what it is with Reiner, but he seems to understand the outcasts. He doesn’t seem surprised by your boyish personality, he doesn’t seem to treat you any less because you’re black. Way before I married him, I noticed that he understood the outcasts. I wouldn’t have married him he he wouldn’t. That’s the damn reason he was the one.”

“Alright..”  Historia took my hand. This time I didn’t pull back. “So he’s the one?”

“Did you listen to a thing I said?”

“Do you love him?”

“I appreciate him.”

I didn’t know what to do with that. I didn’t know what I wanted as an answer and I didn’t even know why it was so important for her to clarify this once again. It was important to me.

I slipped my fingers in between hers. We could now. We were in the middle of nowhere. Neither one of us dared to speak up again. Neither one of us dared to turn around or walk back home. I stroked her finger. I felt brave. I would hate myself for it later on. I had no excuse, this time, I just wanted her to be calm.

Eventually there was a car, still far away, but that’s when I let go of her hand. I started walking slowly, so that I was walking behind her when the car came around. No one would notice. My heart was beating loudly, and even worse, I had made myself less than Historia. Just to protect her (and my) secret I had accepted that I, as the coloured girl, had to walk behind her. Maybe I was seeing too much into it.

 

It was better when we came home. Reiner didn’t ask where we had gone, he was drinking a cup of coffee while staring outside. “I like the garden.” he simply said when we came back.

“Me too.” Historia said, and that was it.

Historia went upstairs to read somethings and I took the book she had given to me and started reading at the kitchen table. I made myself coffee and took rolled a tobacco.  I read the book slowly. I was getting better, understanding the tone. Getting to know words I used to not understand.

We all sat like that for a long time. We didn’t eat dinner that evening, we forgot, all did our own things. Reiner started drinking beer and Historia came down to get new tea a few times.

Somewhere, half drunk, Reiner came into the kitchen to make a call. He grinned at me. “Hey little writer, can you go for a bit?”

I nodded, still feeling like speaking to Reiner was awkward, and then walked out of the kitchen. I waited in the living room for a bit, but then I realised my cup of coffee was still in the kitchen.

I figured (I was a fool) that walking in for one second to get my cup of coffee would not be a problem. Reiner couldn’t even see me from where the phone was, I could only hear him, and I why the fuck would I care about the things he had to tell his friends.

So I just walked back into the kitchen, heard Reiner laugh softly and sweetly, and took my coffee.

“Baby, I can’t..” He said, lively. I stood still for a second. I shouldn’t have. “I love you too. Maybe tomorrow.”

I put my coffee back down. Tried to calm myself. I should have been capable of calming myself by now. I should have walked away and pretend I never heard anything.

But I loved Historia too much to do something like that. Realizing this was hard, but I had panicked when holding her hand while this guy was out here telling people he loved them.

“I can’t wait to hold you.” Reiner slurred his words. He laughed. “You can’t even imagine all the things I’ll do to-”  and that was it. I stormed in and pulled the damn phone away from his face. I threw the phone back at the wall and then I pushed Reiner against it as well, by his neck. I punched him once.

He could take me. He was an army man, but I managed to get him that once.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked him.

He had wide eyes. He was shivering. “None of your damn business.”

I punched him again, but this time I didn’t get him as good. He kicked me in my stomach and pushed me on the floor. On the floor he punched me in my face multiple times. “Fucking bastard.”

He held me down by my neck.  “Don’t you fucking dare to tell Historia any of this.”

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.”

He punched me in my face again.  “Don’t tell anyone. They’ll kill me.”

“I couldn’t care less.”

“Get out of here.” He pulled me up by my hair. I glared at him with everything I had.

“You’re weak.” I kicked him. Kicked him again. I tried to bite him but I missed.

Reiner seemed to be touched when I called him weak. “I am.” He said, but he still held me tightly. “You can’t tell anybody.”

“Why the fuck is Historia not enough!? What more do you want? Was there someone better? Don’t fuck with me!”  

His eyes widened. “Do you like women?”

“Fuck off.”

“I thought you did, from the first time I saw you. It was obvious all this time.”

“Let go of me you asshole. I’ll leave by myself.”

“You’ll let Historia be by herself?”

“I don’t give a fuck about her. Now let-”

He let me go. I couldn’t move. I wanted to run out, but I didn’t. My whole body hurt. “It’s a man.”

“What?”

“The one I love, he’s a man. I don’t want to hurt Historia, but this was the best option I had running for me.”

I took him by his shirt and pulled him towards me. “I’ll fuck you up.”

“You’re one of the few people who can understand. What would you do, Ymir? If you had a woman you loved.”

“I’d fight until-” Until what Ymir? What exactly could I fight for anymore. I had fought too much.

“Listen Ymir. You’ll know when you really fall in love. You’ll know how scary it can get.”

I didn’t let go of his shirt. I just stared at him. “You ain’t never seen scary. Privileged white boy.”

“Maybe I haven’t Ymir, but I can’t lose him. I can’t live in fear.”  He looked straight into my eyes. “You should understand.”

“I’m not afraid of anything anymore.”

“Ymir.” he sternly said. I wasn’t afraid of him. I knew he would make me leave after this. I had gone too far. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see Historia after this anymore. Maybe that was for the best. At least I had stood up for her.  “I know that’s a fucking lie.”

I was afraid of soft things. Sweet kisses. Nice smiled. People who I wanted to trust. People who made me forget all the things I hated. People like Historia. Historia scared the fuck out of me. “Try me.”

“Ymir, I won’t make you leave. Just don’t tell her.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Ymir.”

I let go of his shirt. Afraid. I was so damn afraid of losing everything again. I was at a place where I could be rough, where I could help in the garden instead of in the kitchen, I had just fought and no one though it was inappropriate, and I was walking away from it.

I grabbed my pack of cigarettes off the table, then I took all the books and papers I had written on, and walked outside with just that.

What did I have to lose?

Those were the only belongings I had.

I walked out as quick as I could. I watched the house behind me and stared at it, as if I could see Historia through all those walls. Reiner stood in front of the window. He had an black eye. I smirked at that.

I didn’t make it far. A few streets away I sat down underneath a streetlight in the middle of almost nowhere. I took out one cigarette and lit it slowly. I stared at the fire for a while. It was beautiful. It was so small, while it looked like it was supposed to be so much bigger, so much more than just that little flame. I waved the flame out and breath in the smoke of my cigarette. I closed my eyes for a bit. I saw Historia in front of me. Maybe I should have told her about Reiner’s situation.

I took out all my writing material and started reading it. A lot was about Mrs. Green. It hurt to think about how near that all still was. It seemed like ages ago. A lot had happened. There were a lot of sentences without conext, a lot of ideas, small poems, thoughts, stories retold like a diaree. My eyes shifted over the paper. On one page stood: ‘This woman ain’t never paying attention to the way I’ma get killed by her family because she got negroe sickness through me. She does give me them cigarettes.’  The sentence I had read out loud to Historia when I told her about the fact that I was writing. She had laughed, back then. She hadn’t seen it as an serious issue. She couldn’t care less about what kind of person I was.

As I read on there was more and more about Historia. I had tried to figure out how she thought by writing everything she did down. I had wrote down things she had said to me. I had put sentences of her favorite books on my paper. I had written, too damn detailed, how I had took her hand. Today. That was today. I had managed to look at her like that, to hold her like that, right before walking away.

It hit me that she would never see that touch the way I saw it. She hadn’t thought of it as much as I had.

Just fight. I had told Reiner. I’m not afraid of anything.

But here I was. Afraid that this woman would get hurt by her husband. Afraid that this woman was not bothered by me. Afraid of this woman.

So I stopped being afraid for a second. I stood up, picked up my shit, and started walking back to the house. The walk seemed long. I somehow felt like I never wanted to arrive. Like just deciding that I was going back was enough for now, I didn’t actually have to get back. But I arrived.

Historia was sitting in the living room, watching the door. She looked straight at me when I walked in. She stared and didn’t know what to say. Her eyes said that she hadn’t expected me to come back.

“Hey.” I said. I put my papers on the livingroom table.

“Welcome back.” She said. She had waited for me. “I’ll go make you some coffee.”

I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to, but she was away before I could speak. I followed her into the kitchen. “Where’s Reiner?”

“He’s gone to bed.”  She was shivering. Her hands held the kitchen counter roughly, and they shivered too. I wondered if she was afraid of me. Maybe she was afraid of Reiner.   
Or worse, maybe she was going to ask me to leave again. She had seen Reiner’s black eye. I didn’t even want to think about how my face looked. It must have been far more messed up than his.  

“Historia, I-”

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“What?” I stepped closer to Historia, held her face to make her look at me.

“Today, it was Goddamn today, I told you that Reiner would never hit you. I told you that he would never hurt you. I’m so sorry that I-”  Tears fell into my coffee. She bit her lip. “I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you. That I underestimated your situation.”

“Historia that’s alright I-”

“I couldn’t get mad at him! I was just dumbfounded. I didn’t scream or send him away.”

I took her hands. They were still shivering. I held them close to my chest. Her hands were so small in mine. So white and small. Like I could break them if I didn’t watch my every move. “You can’t do that.”

“I’m sorry-”

“It wasn’t Reiner.”

She pulled away her hands and wiped away her tears. “I’m not stupid, you both have the wounds.”

“It wasn’t just him. It’s fine alright. It was a misunderstanding.”

“You fought each other because of a misunderstanding?”

“It wasn’t just him. We got mad at each other. It wasn’t a race thing, it wasn’t a..” sexuality thing? Gender thing? It was really. How did I explain that I was rough because I was queer?

Was Reiner the first person who put a name on me like that? Reiner was the first person who called me out. Who called me queer without spot.

“Alright.” Historia whispered.  “But it got you to leave.”

“What did you expect me to do?”

“Stay. Stay with me. I don’t want to have a conversation about you staying twice a day, Ymir. I made it clear that I want you here.”

“I punched your fucking husband.”

“And he punched you. Why is what you did any worse?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

“You’re discriminating against yourself.”

I wanted her to shut up. She was telling me everything I didn’t want to hear. “This is his house.”

“It’s mine too.”

“He told me not to leave but I did anyway.”

She looked surprised. Reiner had not told her anything. He had not told her that he had begged for me to stay. He hadn’t told her that he wanted me here for her sake. “You came back.”

She finally turned away and started pouring water on the coffee. She did it slowly and carefully. “What was the fight about?”

“Nothing much.”

“I didn’t take you two for the kind of people who would fight over nothing.”

“Oh c’mon, I’m only here because you picked me up from a fight, and I used to fight with guys all the time. Reiner is in the damn military, fighting is his damn job.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

I came closer to Historia and took the cup of coffee she had finished making off the counter. “Let’s stop talking about it. Let’s go smoke one, so you can go to bed. It’s late.”

She wanted to speak, but when I started walking towards the living room she followed after me. She sat down next to me and handed me a cigarette. When I put it in between my lips she lit  a fire and held it to my cigarette, then she lit her own.

“You don’t have to tell me now, but don’t think I can’t take what the reason was.”

“I’ll tell you, sometime.”  We sat there smoking in silence. I stared at her hand and thought about how I had held it earlier that day.

 

When I woke up it was light outside and warm. I put on a pants and walked downstairs in the shirt I had slept in. My feet were still bare. The floor was cold and my face was hurting everywhere. That was fine.

Historia walked out of the kitchen as soon as she heard me coming down. “Ymir?”

“Yeah.” My voice sounded rough.

“I’m making pancakes for you.” she moved back into the kitchen. She was wearing an apron and a big smile.  “Reiner left a note for you, it’s on the table!” She called.

I walked into the living room and stared at the note he had left. I opened it carefully. I wondered if he had put any of my secrets in it. I hoped that Historia had not yet opened it.

Though when I opened it, I was surprised by how little it said. Still, with so little he had said a lot.

 

_Be fearless._

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Please let my know what you think? It would mean a lot (:


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